And the wait continues...

On January 4, 2012 I was granted a hearing pertaining to my fingerprint clearance.  I have been checking online daily for results to no avail. Today the doorbell rings. The doorbell never rings.  The mailman was outside with a certified letter for me to sign.  The results from the Board were there.  I have tried to remain positive that the Board would understand my situation and allow me to continue with my education and fulfill my requirements to become a teacher.  Within 10 seconds of opening it, my heart dropped.  While the presiding judge denied my hearing, the Board has the authority to either accept, reject or amend his decision.  I will have another hearing on April 13th, which will be the final step in my appeal process.  As I read through the judges comments, I was struck with the phrase "the Applicant has not been rehabilitated."  No.  I am not rehabilitated.  How could I be?

To many of you out there, I am guilty; plain and simple.  To you I say, you are probably not my friend and really don't know me.  Some of you have even voiced your opinion, although not welcome, on my Facebook page (you have since been blocked, since you weren't on my friends list anyway).  The system failed me. There comes a time when the fight you are fighting is sucking the life out of you, your family and everything you've worked hard for. My family and I made a choice.  The only choice that was acceptable and that would almost guarantee I would remain free (for the most part) and at home with my children.  The resources they had versus those of my own do not even compare.  I did what I had to do.  That does not make me guilty.

To say I am rehabilitated is to say I have something to be in recovery for.  Sure, I could have easily said what they wanted to hear in order to get what I ultimately wanted: clearance to teach.  I will not.  I will go on without teaching and do something different.  I will choose plan B.  I haven't yet decided what Plan B is, but Plan B it appears has taken over.  I know I still have another hearing and will do everything within my power to make them understand my logic.  Unless you have been where I am and continue to be on a daily basis, you cannot judge me.  You may think what you want. I cannot control that.  Say what you want.  I have broad shoulders.  I will smile. I will make nice.  I will even pray for you.  I will pray that you never have to go through what I have been through, continue to go through, and will take with me wherever I go.

I pray for the health of my children, their lives and their futures.  That is what I worry about now.  I am here for them and that is what counts.  I thank God everyday that He made it this way.  Only and only because of Him am I here right now. Those two guardian angels didn't hurt either.